Saturday, October 29, 2011

on love and sleep

here i am, writing you love poems late into the night or into the early morning i can’t tell which. there you are ruining my chances of a nice long sleep where i wake up refreshed and not sick with the flu or what have you. here i am sort of scratching my head thinking about what nice things i can say about you that will be simultaneously telling and mysterious enough that you will be both sure and uncertain about who this really is about. what if i told you it was really about me and that i am just incredibly self absorbed or what if i told you after that that this is an allegory really for society and consumer culture or postmodernism you would probably believe that because everything is about society and consumer culture blah blah fuck that. i want to buy you things i want to buy you a boat that we can sail in i want to buy you a PhD i want to buy you really expensive bread, you know the one with all the extra bits the seeds and stuff i want to buy you fun electronic equipment i want to buy you a printer/scanner/copier multifunction and i want to buy you a big house which you will live in with me (somehow i will buy us that you love me) and all the stuff we’ll put in it and i want to buy you an animal that you love probably a dog and i want to buy you a -shit sorry i’m feeling dozy now got really droopy eyelids i better sleep now or i will never-

Thursday, October 27, 2011

realistic expectations

just sort of thinking a lot about like identity and self and
constructions of self and authenticity while i wee
and that i always change the toilet paper roll
like i must be the only person in the flat that changes the toilet paper roll
and why is this

on skype i try and be genuine but i come across as mental or conceited
i just want to pat someone on the back when i talk to them
like get up all in their space
like pat pat pat lil puppy do you want me to chase you

i chased a dog around my friend’s house
i got really excited just like the dog
i legitimately couldn’t understand why nobody else was playing this fun game

i put my computer on my pillow so it was like the person was there but
it was nothing like the person was there
and i hung up
and there was an email from someone it said
=(

people that feel good should help people that feel bad
just like people who have a piece of bread should share it with people who don’t have a piece of bread people should be nice like jesus i guess
or if the bread is mouldy they should feed it to the ducks because ducks will eat anything like that and feeding the ducks is a really
nice idea

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

manic story


These days I’m not sure if I’m happy or just consistently manic. I feel like it shouldn’t be looked down on like a bad thing, because most people aren’t that consistent with anything. I feel like being consistent with things like happiness and optimism are probably good for the psyche and others in my general proximity. If I was a consistent alcoholic it would be a bad thing probably or if I was consistently falling over. It’s like being being sort of manic is the norm now I can’t even remember what being sad was like what is it like to be sad I don’t know what is it like to be sad I don’t know what is is it  it like to beb eb be sad I don’t know. Like I feel really good I want to tell everyone how good I am feeling I want to be friends with you I want to touch you and kiss you and I want you to smile at me with shiny eyes and I want to do things that will make you happy even if they are at my expense even if for a second I look bad or  or o roro silly. All I want in the whole world are you listening to me? Okay. It just looked for a second that you weren’t. No no it’s alright. I just. I just. All I want in the whole world is where are you going come back I want to make you happy not though in relation to me I don’t want you to associate your happiness with me I just want you to be happy like me like generally just happy like you are happy all by yourself do you think you can do that?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Life Analysis #2

The trick is to be in a constant state of
pajamas

Sunday, October 23, 2011

What a lovely place to die

& darling if you are the Pont du Gard then I
must be the city of Nimes without you I suppose
nothing, dry and desolate; shit. I want to walk over you my calloused feet
cuddle into the pillows of your milky thighs I want to die
if it’s in your hair I will make a nest and sleep in there forever
staring at the blossoms of your cheeks you are blushing sometimes--
it’s when I say something funny or maybe just true.
I will pick the petals of your face and bury myself look darling
I am drowning in your fragrance isn’t it lovely when I die
like this with you

Friday, October 21, 2011

story about a list


I’m going to make a list of all the things I really like. Okay? All of the things on the list are things that I really love. When I think about these things they make me smile sometimes I’m smiling even if no one can see it it means I’m smiling on the inside. Some of the things, when I do them I don’t feel anything I am separate from the thing and from myself. These things must be the things I love the most. A lot of the things that are on the list I like doing with others although I think although a lot of the time I would prefer to be alone. I’m not lonely though. I like being around a lot of people all by myself. Like being at a café and sharing a smile with someone or some passing comment about our orders and laughing and eye contact and then back to our own worlds. I don’t know if the things on the list are things I really like or I really want but then I suppose if I want them I like them, right? The things on the list sometimes I have to get just right like the time and place and how I’m positioned and where the sun is. A lot of the things on the list I never actually get done so now I’m unsure whether I really love them or not or just like them or am just using them to fill up gaps in a page to to appear interesting and busy like somehow the list gives my life meaning but if the contents of the list are inherently meaningless then life is essentially redundant. Shit. I have grown to hate a lot of things on the list because thinking about them makes me nervous and I feel unsafe and that the list is untrustworthy. The list is confusing I don’t know what to say to the list sometimes because the list has grown a quick temper. Sometimes I pick at the list and tear little slits in it around the edges other times I cry on the list and it goes soggy. The list is supposed to bring me comfort but the things keep changing and I can never keep up the list makes me hate myself. The list has grown a mind of its own the list has ambitions now. The list is a narcissist and a megalomaniac. The List’s ego is measured by the size of the bullet points and now they are 100pts larger than before. I don’t like the List anymore. The List doesn’t like me. I try and write things on the List but the List won’t let me instead the List is writing it’s own List and I'm now lost in the washing machine, just decaying slowly with the petrol receipt and the lolly wrappers and the lint.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

A list of good things

  1. caryl churchill
  2. shane jones
  3. scorch atlas
  4. girls in shorts
  5. boys in shorts
  6. women in shorts
  7. men in shorts
  8. babies in shorts
  9. lomography 
  10. the help
  11. low
  12. chips+sauce
  13. hallway jeans
  14. sharon olds 
  15. having good time management 
  16. matt scobie
  17. c spencer yeh
  18. joh bloomberg
  19. poached eggs
  20. avocados
  21. the lion king at the movies
  22. luis buñuel
  23. jackson's box o' books
  24. paul
  25. thinking about when we move to wellington
  26. living with cool people in wellington
  27. looking for houses in wellington (if anyone knows of a house (4-5 bedrooms) we can move into that is close to the city+university then let me know)
  28. skype
  29. listening to the beatles when sick and bedridden and falling asleep and waking up all better. also:
  30. teapots of lemon, honey and ginger
  31. watchmen
  32. the nz on screen caravan-cinema
  33. anna-lisa mari 
  34. dj berndt did this (really nice to read at the start of a day with cuppa-T)
  35. seth frightening in chch
  36. glass vaults in chch
  37. poetry slam competition in chch
  38. bike
  39. studying in the sun
  40. writing essays by hand
  41. unemployment (FUNEMPLOYMENT AMIRITE)
  42. leonora carrington
  43. walt whitman 
  44. life without buildings
  45. eric copeland at the darkroom
  46. delicious homemade ginger ale at the darkroom
  47. all blacks winning semi final
  48. roasted peanuts
  49. hokey pokey chocolate bars
  50. new people
  51. christchurch people
  52. tommy ill music videos
  53. irish whisky 
  54. grant lahood
  55. heavenly pop hits - the flying nun story
  56. 'tim'
  57. antonin artaud
  58. andré breton
  59. lil kids
  60. poochies
  61. simba
  62. turangawaewae / a place to stand
  63. wi kuki kaa
  64. vanilla scented room spray
  65. natalie clark
  66. that song 'new york new york'
  67. elizabeth ashley arnold (aka. neon glittery) drawings/paintings
  68. spending money i don't have on nice things
  69. dad's old camera
  70. vincent konrad
  71. anna krutzik
  72. piri weepu
  73. unsalted study snacks

two poems featuring the word 'lil'

fog poem

my brain has gone a lil foggy like it does sometimes
but there you are sitting cross legged with your cheeks puffed
out blowing and blowing and blowing and blowing

---

a promise

i'm going to be your cup of coffee next time
okay?

you will put your lips on me and i
will live in you for a lil bit

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Really choice thing

Click pic for link to more info

I've been working/helping out at this thing this week. It's a caravan that has been converted into a cinema! It's the coolest thing. I'm just helping out Nick, the main guy who is running it, but it's a pretty big job so it's nice for him to be able to take a break and talk to someone. I met Nick properly at the film festival and he is really great and knowledgeable about film. I've learned a lot being around him I think. It's at the fanzone, less of a rugby thing but along the whole celebrate New Zealand vibe. I really really love it. The caravan has been decorated in this really sweet 70s decor, there's lil lamps with shades with fringes, crochet blankets and brown/orange colour combos. It seats about 15 people and it's FREE so people just walk in and out as they please. There is a big flat screen tv mounted on the back wall and a hard drive with lots of films on it. All the films are short nz films such as: two cars one night, playing possum, stroke, the six dollar fifty man, signing off, kitchen sink. Here is the actual list. Also there is an imac set up with the internet which people can go on and look at the nz on screen website and can even stream videos off the database there. There is a whole flying nun collection of music vids. I'm working there all day tomorrow so I'm going to check that out and watch the films I haven't seen before. Wanna watch some Billy T clips too. Seriously this is the coolest thing. There is also an ipad mounted onto the wall which takes a picture of you and replaces a character's face with your own face from a video clip and then emails it to you. Basically my role is to just play the films for people and tell them a bit about them and make sure that I play suitable films for the audience that is there, so for instance I wouldn't play Kitchen Sink to a bunch of children. I really hope this keeps going and travelling around the country.

If you are in Christchurch you should come hang out with me tomorrow. It's at the fanzone by like the café thing and sort of opposite the stage where bands play. It's pretty hard to miss. I'll be there from 10 til about 6 and will play you cool stuff. You can even bring in snacks if you like. Also there is a collection of sweet postcards that you can just take for free.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Watchmen by Alan Moore, Dave Gibbons, John Higgins


I started reading this one evening before I went out to a show. The show was C Spencer Yeh. It was amazing. Should listen to C Spencer Yeh. Anyway, I finished Watchmen on Monday when I was sick. I liked it so much that I watched the movie straight afterwards. The movie is okay. But the book rules. I liked how loyal the movie was to the book though. Yesterday at uni I saw a girl with the t-shirt of the smiley-face with the blood/tomato sauce splatter and I smiled at her and muttered 'nice tee' under my breath but she didn't hear me for she was wearing headphones. I immediately liked her though. That goes to show how good Watchmen is I guess.

Reasons why it is good:
  1. Characters are retired superheroes. The whole superhero thing is treated realistically kind of like in Batman Begins. It's some time in the future and there has been some law passed that bans superhero practice. So there are all these ex superheroes just 'doin life', going through existential crises and yearning for some butt-kicking.
  2. There are breaks from the 'graphic novel' in the form of 'newspaper reports' and diary entries and excerpts from an autobiographical book one of the characters has written. I really like that. It made the world of the story more realistic for me. 
  3. Real good colours. 
  4. At the end of every chapter is a quote from like, Bob Dylan, Elvis Costello, Einstein, Nietzsche, Jung, the book of Job and others.
  5. I don't know heaps about superhero comics/graphic novels but from what I've noticed they deal a lot with 60s politics. Watchmen deals with the assassination of JFK, vietnam war, the cold war, the space race. but with more science. 
  6. Extra info/hidden meanings in the artwork. 
  7. Stories are told from a range of perspectives. Got real into the characters. 
  8. Questions identity and morality and intellect and philosophical theses like determinism and nihilism (felt like I learned [more] about these things).
  9. Violence + blood.
  10. Sex.
  11. Everyone I have talked to about this likes/loves it. It's clearly objectively good.
After I read and watched Watchmen it was like, 'what is real life'. I like that feeling after reading/watching/enjoying a book/movie. Just being totally immersed in the whole world. I think everyone should read this.