Sunday, January 30, 2011

Some stuff about this week:

Slight anxieties regarding 'production+output' this week then lists wear underwear on the outside. 


1. Found those vouchers. They were in my wallet.
2. Joe in Christchurch, not Auckland.
3. http://newwavevomit.com/newwavevomit.com/170.html
4. Getting Macbook Pro in a week or two.
5. Positive-as list writing 'modus operandi'.
6. Latin
7. Clumsy by Jeffrey Brown received in the mail.
8. Going on a sea voyage.
9. Going to Sydney.
10. $20 Australian bill having cool plane pic on it. Also being red.
11. DVD player in new car. 
12. DVD player in new car operational in Japanese only.
13. Saying "moshi moshi" to new car upon key insertion.
14. Japanese
15. Cold, yet frothy milk chocolate drink at work.
16. Vermillion City 
17. Bonsai trees in Botanic Gardens.
18. Slightly overweight ginger crying child locked in swimming pool  maintaining courtesy and articulation.
19. Swims in the sea.
20. Pretzels and popcorn and M&Ms.
21. Purposeful tog abandonment resulting in own drawer. 
22. 22 good things.
23. Thinking about 22 good things for 10 minutes.
24. Still thinking.
25. Still thinking.
26. Still!
27. Yes!
28. Not stopping!
29. !!!
30. Thirty!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Beauty Therapy

Looking at impressionist paintings while one thousand hairs are ripped out of their follicles.

Monday, January 24, 2011

To the bike shop in town,

I have walked around the city for 20mins
Trying to find bhdjkshgjfyoujdhgjhfjdkh
And spend ¾ of the contents of my bank account.
The least you could do is serve me.


To ANZ,

You are always nice to me
And serve me.

Cough.

I always remember that time I got all those insufficient funds
Fees
And you reimbursed me
All of it!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The UN should reassemble with USB hubs and headsets and compulsory ¾ cut-offs.

The problem with politicians is
They don’t spend enough time playing games.
Instead, they condemn
Plastic controllers
Of guns and cars,
Wands and armour:
Virtual vigilantes –

According to politicians
And media “Techxperts”
???
They are aggressive and blood
Thirsty --
TWO-FACED!

If politicians were gamers
Imagine!
The collaboration,
Concentration,
Greasy prints
On spreadsheets and
Pats on the back. Good job, mate!
S  m  i  l  e  s.

The problem with the world is
No one has invented
Dragons.

Saturday, January 22, 2011



1.
When I biked into town there was a strong headwind

And the sun was setting
So all the way it was right in my eyes.
I really chose the wrong time to bike into town.



2.
When I biked into town I nearly gave up

Twice.
Even though I had sunglasses on
Which presented the world in a sepia-like hue
Which was golden and warm
Which summoned feelings of tranquillity and pacification
Which enabled me to keep cycling
And enjoy it.



3.
When I biked into town I got really nervous three different times.

The first time, I passed a souped-up sedan
There were two guys in it
The one in the drivers seat had his arm out the window
It had tattoos on it
I wondered if he got tattoos on that arm so it could loiter out the window and people would be impressed.
I wondered if he got tattoos on that arm so it could loiter out the window and people would be nervous.
They passed me a couple of hundred metres up the road
Really loudly.

The second time I tried to find the house my friend left the book I left at my friend’s house at.
Yup.
I only had to go a little bit out of my way.
The house was in an industrial area
There was a lot of signage on the buildings
I thought maybe I had taken a wrong turn because nothing resembled a house.
I couldn’t tell if the numbers were going up or down.
The house had signage about signage all over it.
I cycled really slowly past it
I cycled really slowly past an intersection where a car had appeared
The man was going to pull out in front of me
Decided against it
Decided he could make it.
He is still deciding.
I circled around the house and tried to find an alternative entrance that wasn’t the front door but there wasn’t one I thought “I don’t want to knock on the door” and cycled away.
Then I thought “I’m here I might as well I really want that book” so I turned around and cycled back.
When I got closer to the house I changed my mind and cycled away again.
When I got far away I changed my mind and cycled up to it again.
It was pretty absurd.
There was another guy in another souped up car.
He probably thought it was a bit absurd too.
Absurd.
I knocked on the door three times and waited for a minute and a half. No one answered.
A lady drove past and looked at me like I was a criminal.

The third time I pressed the button at the pedestrian crossing
There were no cars coming and it was a one way street so I thought I could just cycle into the middle.
I was kind of in a hurry.
I was straddling the bike frame with one foot on a pedal
When I pushed down on the pedal the back of my shorts got caught on the seat
And almost came off.
There were cars coming now and I was on the downward slope of the curb, gathering speed.
I had to press in the breaks really had and fumble with my feet to catch my
Balance.
I biked really hard the rest of the way into town.

Friday, January 21, 2011

In Memoriam

Alice and Hat eat a cheeseburger and watch NZ hits in Dunedin.

A satiated Hat looks inquisitively at the camera. And Alice.
Poser Hat.
Hat being coy.
Inebriated Hat, warm Alice.
Hungry Hat
Today I am anxious because I have to go to the mall and get products for my shit face and because I have to go to the mall. Also, I got 3 hours sleep and lost $50 worth of vouchers and my favourite hat.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I

1. Am going on a cruise next week.
2. Got a new job.
3. Can't make decisions right now to the point where it makes me feel: physically nervous, overwhelming hopelessness, hyperaware of the options and their endless potential combinations, like I have ruined my whole life.
4. Am really not looking forward to packing my bag next week.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Burlesque (2011)

Directed by Steve Antin
Starring CHER and CHRISTINA AGUILERA 



 It wasn't the 40-something percentage rating it got on IMDB, the star-studded cast or even the promise of near-naked babes clad in heavily jewelled lingerie which compelled me to see this movie; it was the Readings Cinema vouchers I received a year ago for Employee of the Month which expired the day I used them. But for sake of 'the gaze' and it's relationship to this genre in particular which I so longed so much to lose myself in, I'll say it had something to do with the babes. Certainly Steve Antin had some direction in mind when h- 

 I felt like it attempted to rekindle what was so alluring about musicals in the 30s; escapism in the face of societal collapse. Or something??? One thing for sure though POPCORN and CHOCOLATE is the BEST combination and will make ANY FILM so much more enjoyable. Ben and I had a bag of Maltesers and a bag of mixup M&Ms in our popcorn (highly recommend the 'Couples Combo' (popcorn + 2 drinks).). I advise no dinner before the movie if you plan to go in the evening, we didn't even get to cardboard-for-kernels at the bottom; had to throw out half a box of heaven. Feel like I need to brand this. Choc-Pop. Pop-Late. Corn-Choc. Yeah. 

Some more things about Burlesque:

1. Monotonous camera movement
2. Irritable lighting 
3. Anemic acting
4. Real good costumes (definitely the strongest element)
5. More deficiencies in the presumptions that XTINA and CHER can act good and so too much faith in close ups to pull the narrative along. You are NOT Al Pacino, CHER.
6. Narrative banality. THE DREAM isn't real, bros; see. the 40s.
7. Bitchy/slutty protagonist
8. CHER's solo, "You haven't seen the last of me". Shit. Fuck. 

Burlesque: 1.5/5 (1 for costumes, 0.5 for lipstick)

Choc-Corn: 5/5 



 Oh, what the hell:


 Definitely less to do with the plot and more to do with Cher's comeback/insecurities/comeback insecurities. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

#3


I stared into the elements but Your face had disappeared. Maybe it was the hot of the metal or the gas or the horizontal sleet which frightened You away. Or perhaps My 2 minute noodles were deceiving Me? Sometimes I’m unsure if You are Me or an extension of Me or imaginary. You brushed against Me and My arm twitched—shivered– Myheart                                                                                                                                                                      peaked,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          collapsed, coiled around itself. You didn’t apologise, You didn’t exist then but I felt You still. I want to turn You into a dart board and try my luck. Then You would feel it. I would get one hundred points and You would be one hundred holes. I would see straight through You and You would cry and runintoMe and sorry into My neck before melting away, a puddle at My feet. 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I can't stop thinking about the semantic implications of naming a dog Margaret Atwood. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

102 SIT UPS TO HEDONISM

Kathy is writing in her diary. She writes the date first. 12.01.11. Usually she writes the dates with forward slashes like this: 12/01/11 except for when she is writing in her diary. The diary is black with a hard cover and unlined white pages. She got it from Gordon Harris on her 19th birthday. Usually she writes about how much she hates herself. This time isn’t any different. Maybe because Gordon Harris is a shop/not a person. She writes: I can’t do anything because I am so worried about doing it wrong. I’m not good enough. She is also quite lonely. Maybe if she got the diary from a person called Gordon Harris and not a shop things would be different. Kathy knew when she woke up that it was going to be one of those days. Not just because of the grey clouds and the rain right before she wanted to go for a run but because it was behind her eyeballs and she was alone and spent to long refreshing her facebook page and thinking about what she wanted to do that day and not actually doing it. Kathy theorizes that she could make herself feel better by going for a run as soon as she wakes up which would get it over with and then she could have a shower and start her day properly. This day though, she spends too long refreshing her facebook page which fucks up her whole day.

It’s raining. She’s running. She’s getting wet. Her IPod is getting wet. She’s listening to the Modern Lovers. She especially likes Pablo Picasso. She’s got a wet patch on her shorts from the rain which looks like she’s urinated on herself. She does 102 sit ups on her parents’ AB KING PRO II. She has a shower. She slips into one of Jim’s t-shirts and no pants. She has no plans today. She checks her diary. Shit she says out loud. The diary says JOB INTERVIEW 2PM. I’ll put pants on later she thinks. She likes wearing Jim’s t-shirts. It’s what people in long distance relationships call hugs she euphemises. This way, if I wear Jim’s t-shirts he’s hugging me all the time but I can still move my arms freely which is a lot better than having a normal relationship. She opens her laptop again. She refreshes her inbox. There’s one message from facebook. She deletes it. She refreshes her facebook page again. She is invited to a show in Auckland. She doesn’t live in Auckland. She clicks ATTENDING. She feels dishonest. She thinks about writing the short story for a creative writing competition she started. She opens the folder in her MY DOCUMENTS called WRITING and tries to find the file but gives up and closes the windows--                                                        X  X.                                                                                    

It’s 11am. She watches some clips on www.youtube.com of people giving lectures about how gaming can change the world. She watches clips on socialism and capitalism and the brain in your gut. She watches a clip of Miwa Matreyek doing cool stuff with shadows. She watches clips about the importance of performing arts. She watches clips until just past midday and then she eats lunch. She boils the jug and makes a toasted sandwich. She has crackers as well and a cup of tea. She goes upstairs and puts a dress on because she really needs this job. She thinks a dress would look more impressive than shorts and t-shirt which is what she really wants to wear. There are some stains on the dress which are quite prominent because the dress is white. There is also a rip in the back of the dress. Kathy questions the decorum of the dress and pulls it down at the back. She is worried about getting it hitched in her knickers. She sits on the bed. She looks at the mess on the bed and on the floor. She looks at the to-do list she made. She makes a poem out of it. According to the list, Kathy’s priority is to phone her GP and make an appointment to discuss how depressed she is. She phones her hairdresser instead. Kathy thinks about the people from the clips and how happy they looked. They looked really happy, she thinks. Happy but mainly content. Kathy has a preoccupation with contentedness. She thinks that anyone can be happy and that happiness is only fleeting bliss like a joke or a tiny cat wearing a tiny hat or fainting goats and that people are generally hyperaware of their own happiness: I am happy right now people laugh, Kathy thinks; but being content is not about being aware, just being. Kathy wonders if she’ll ever be content. Kathy walks around her room.  She pulls the dress down at the back. She is worried about getting it hitched in her knickers.  She ends up at her desk again refreshing her facebook page and gmail account. She thinks about writing the short story for the creative writing competition. She opens the folder in her MY DOCUMENTS called WRITING and double clicks on the file labelled “smack bottom truck”. The name depresses her. She is writing a story and the first two sentences are: “The river hung like a painting, a backdrop to the street” and; “It cradled the narrow roads impervious to the few cars which perched on its shoulders like sleeping children”. The first two sentences depress her. It sounds like she is writing a story for a creative writing competition. She wonders why she even wants to enter at all. She thinks fuck that and looks out the window. Jim texts Sorry no Skype tonight need to get Ethernet cable. Kathy says Oh okay. That’s okay but in way which is obvious it is not okay. Jim texts back Getting Ethernet cable now. Kathy texts back I’m going out it will have to be later. Jim texts back Cool. Kathy regrets not being more jovial in her texts to Jim. Kathy debates for five minutes whether or not to bike to the JOB INTERVIEW 2PM. It’s not raining anymore. She picks up her car keys. She bikes to the JOB INTERVIEW 2PM.

Kathy gets the job. While she is in town she thinks I may as well go to the library so she goes to the library and gets out two books even though she is already reading one of her own. She foresees future anxieties about starting a book before she finishes the first one. She gets out AN UNFORTUNATE WOMAN by Richard Brautigan and MURDER IN THE DARK by Margaret Atwood. She’s going to read everything Richard Brautigan has written in the first six months of the year. She doesn’t think it will be hard. Jim got her four Richard Brautigan books for christmas and a t-shirt with her favourite band’s best album printed on the front. She puts on Selfisssh by Seth Frightening on her IPOD and bikes to her friends’ house the LOG CABIN. There are lots of people at the LOG CABIN having a vegetarian BBQ and she asks a question relating to the CORN-ON-THE-COB on everyone’s plates and then is offered CORN-ON-THE-COB she says no thank you and then she is offered CORN-ON-THE-COB again and she says no thank you I don’t want any CORN-ON-THE-COB I was just wondering if you grew it yourself. No, they say. She talks to her friends a bit and there is a cat which looks more like a possum than a cat. She mentions the possum thing a couple of times. She thinks she is lame and wants to leave. She leaves and goes to another friend’s house. She takes lots of music from this friend and puts it on her IPOD. It starts to rain so she hangs around. She feels better at this friend’s house. She feels slightly wounded that she didn’t get officially invited to the BBQ at the LOG CABIN. She texts her mum Can you pick me and my bike up from my friend’s house please? Her mum says No. She bikes home in the cold but at least it’s not raining she thinks. She thinks that was optimistic. That was sarcastic she thinks. She thinks fuck. Shut up I’m not talking to you go away she thinks. It’s a good thing Kathy has a helmet on because she would have hit herself in the head otherwise.

I got the job she says to her parents. They are watching the six o’clock news on their 50” plasma screen television. She puts on a cardigan and talks to Jim on Skype. He looks nice she thinks. I got a job she says. At the cinema he asks. Yes. Did you ring the doctor? No. I think you should ring the doctor. I know.

Kathy does 102 sit ups after exercise on her parents' AB KING PRO II. She also does 102 sit ups at night before she goes to sleep. She kind of dreads it. Kathy brushes her teeth and dreads doing 102 sit ups. She does 103 sit ups as punishment for dreading doing 102 sit ups. She goes to sleep with an upturned mouth feeling like she has accomplished something. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

Today I affectionately called my boyfriend "pasta-bow" and then I went to my friend's house where we made pasta-bows.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Campervan Adventure concluded.

 We had an hour and half and 50 Pokemon to go until Christchurch. We drove until Culverden. I'm sure it was Culverden. I always get confused with the small towns. They become identifiable only by public toilet familiarity. This town was hot and had large concrete public toilets with blue accents situated on the edge of a park. There was a big gravel carpark in front of the park/toilets. We parked the campervan and had lunch. We sat on the grass in the park bit and a big bus full of high school girls pulled up. They all scrambled like eggs into the bathroom. They giggled and did lots of stuff girls in big groups do. Then a middle aged couple pulled up next to us in a yellow convertible Honda-something. The man was bald and the woman had white pants on. The car may have been red or blue actually. There was no back seat in the car that I could see, only two seats up the front. "How impractical" I thought. Seems like a waste of money to buy a car to just drive around with no sense of purpose. Isn't that the point of cars? To get stuff you can't carry from place to place. I thought, "Of all the things  they could have bought...." and, "I wonder if they like each other". I assumed that even though maybe they did once, they didn't anymore. I like Joe heaps; his lease ran out and we fit his bed + mattress + drawers + food + clothes + and everything we took on the trip into the campervan before we left. I guess that goes to show, eh.

 We wanted to paste heaps in this town but were a bit scared because before we got there we (he) pasted on this pylon thing we (he) had to jump the fence to get to and then these two men who were working but mainly watching us started walking over and the batteries on my camera ran out and they took pictures of us and the licence plate of the campervan as they walked past. We thunderjolted out of there like the electric Pokemon we had pasted up:






 Just out of 'Culverden' we parked by the river. We had to cross it at the shallow bit. I was scared I would fall in and drop the camera.



Post-paste









 After that we drove all the way back to Christchurch. We got there kind of by accident because we were meant to paste more but Christchurch was sneaky and flashed us all of a sudden all of its bits. "Gross, Christchurch", I thought. It was about two something when we pulled up at my house. I showed Joe around then Mum and Dad came home. It was a wee bit awkward. We finished pasting in Dallington:


Growlithe in my letterbox



Dragon ragin' hardout.


Mewtwo in the campervan gas compartment.

Flareon in my closet.

This was a real sweet trip. I laundered my clothes and had a nap. It started to rain.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Campervan Adventure cont.....

 That wasn't the end of the day though. Don't think that those ice creams were some kind seductive spider women that coined our demise. Oh no, we had pizzazz packed on like mozerella on tomato in Italy, 1889. Also we were on major sugar highs. After Murchison we drove and drove and followed the Huruni River tongues wagging for it to lead us somewhere special to stay. It was our last night so it had to be good. Joe was driving so I kept my eyes peeled for sweet spots. So it happens (and I only just discovered this then), I have knack for finding hidden tracks at high speeds and so it was that I led us to the most beautiful and perfect spot. Actually I found another not so perfect one first but that was already occupied by another campervan  so  we thought we'd be considerate and spare our vehicles the awkward conversation and left. At this new perfect spot though there was swimming and rocks and shallow water and deep water and birds circling and hills and massive skimming possibilities and wood and dead foliage for a fire. We'd hit the jackpot! We kissed! And then we kissed because we'd hit the jackpot! See for yourself, really beautiful...




 Okay, so they're kind of only of Joseph + campervan. I remember trying very hard to take a picture of the river and the hills but I neurotically wanted to get this bird in that was flying around and waiting waiting waiting                                       waiting                                                          waiting                                                    waiting

waiting



waiting 


waitingwaiting for it to fly closer but it didn't so I didn't press the shutter out of frustration/spite. Shit. Anyway, we were quite chuffed with our find and started collecting wood and prickly twigs because a fire was exactly what a last night on an adventure called for. However, another campervan pulled up and this campervan was more friendly than the last one and our one combined. Our campervan looked over at us with this incredibly anxious expression and the peril of unwanted sociability loomed over the three of us. Really didn't want to spend our last night talking to tourists about sportsmanagementandhamstrings. 

Joe dumps tourist ass/lets tourist down gently saying we need a toilet real bad might be back later have our fire bye.

 I was really upset after we had to leave our perfect spot. There was some tension in the car but that's kind of an understatement. I guess my neurosis got the better of me, or something and I felt really PANickypanICKY and like I was standing on the edge of the world with no perfect spots for miles and miles and the last night on our trip deserved perfection that was now unattainable. It was bad. But my new found talent saved us once again (I think this may be my mutant superhero power, although I'd much rather befriend Spiderman than Kitty) and found a spot in the bushes above the river with a sweet view and mean as fire capabilities. It made me happy but mainly Joe made me happy; he is very good at getting people out of slumpy situations. We made a fabulous fire and had a romantic dinner (sandwich and cabin bread) and finished off the vodka. We were in the thick of the good vibes and there was no sad for miles. We scared it away with love and 42 Below.

Campervan looks like a real rad dude

Joe hates photos of photos but check out that fire!!?!! Pretty rough for the stick though.

 In the morning we pasted lots and lots:









 It was hard to paste on the surfaces; we had to use lots of paste. It really stunk and the brush got dirt in it. But the bug-types took a liking to the sandflies straight away. We left them debating flesh and freckle flavour favour. Based on the state of my ankles, agreement was unanimous.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Autobiography (Miss Porridge Beauty Contest)

Had cereal this morning for the first time in a while: muesli and special k.
I ate breakfast at the dinner table and washed it down with a cup of tea
That took ages to cool.
What did Mum say about the apartment in Sydney? “It looks like a prison,
But it has a pool”.
Dad found the piece of paper that I used to write down names of the only people I want to be friends with this year.
He drew a rocket ship and coloured in the letters
In a way that resembled polishing a tiara
With the 6oclock news.
Tomorrow I'm having porridge.
Reallyregretting taking off the spacebarand notbeingableto put it bacon.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Campervan Adventure cont....

 This day we went through Nelson and it was beautiful. I felt relaxed and content being back in the South Island again. There's something sort of magical about the South Island I think, that sets it apart from the North Island. Maybe it's the untamed landscape, dangerous and unpopulated like the desert from a hardboiled American novel without the critique of 'the Dream'. The desert from True West comes to mind with the yelping coyotes, not howling like Hollywood cons us to believe. Here though, the canines are replaced by native birds and instead of yelping and starving the birds sing and fly and are free to love their country under no pretence to change or eat each other (Pukeko excluded).

 Joe used to visit Nelson a lot when he was younger so he knows the town quite well. All I remember was the last time I went there I went to the Japanese gardens and loved it so much I returned everyday until it was time to go back to Christchurch. Unfortunately we didn't get to see the Japanese gardens this time around but I think I might go on a solo adventure to see them sometime especially. We filled up the campervan with petrol and water though.

Joe fills up the camper with water 
There was a man and a woman parked really closely in front of us and I didn't put the gear in reverse properly and then couldn't find the break so very nearly crashed into them which would have been terrible because I wasn't on the insurance and also I want to be an excellent driver everytime to quash the preconception of females being bad drivers. The man gave me a dirty look and I pulled the backwards peace sign in my head.

 We travelled more and I think this was the most beautiful scenery of all. I feel like I keep saying that but really I suppose it's all exquisite. We were on the way to Murchison and the sun was sunning and the hills were hilling and the greens were greening 100 times over. I dreamed of going back there and camping in the thick of it all. I was still concentrating heavily on the road of course.

 In Murchison we got THE BIGGEST ice creams of all time:

Chocolate and cookies and cream

Strawberry or something + coke zero
 and looked around the second hand store. Joe bought some hats and I bought nothing because I still couldn't find a denim bucket hat. It was starting to exhibit modern day Holy Grail qualities. But I just wanted a hat??? We liked Murchison lots and it was funny because there were a lot of teenagers pushing prams and drinking Woodstocks. We felt bad for the babies though. I had an urge to steal the babies and raise them myself but eating that ice cream was hard work enough. We went pasting instead:












 And left. 

 Never gonna forget those ice creams.